I'd wear matching sweaters with you
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize