after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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