why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
false alarm, still single
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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