bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
