Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I think my vagina is haunted
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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