I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm like, not good at living.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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