EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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