Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Randomize