you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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