Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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