My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
