She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
