there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
