shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
