i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
