I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
