woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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