The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
