I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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