the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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