i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
