I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
