i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
