I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
