If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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