I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
