I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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