I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
