Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
There's always time for handjobs
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
