woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
