The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
He is an equal opportunity slut.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize