dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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