He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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