Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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