i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
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