shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
