Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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