My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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