Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
