He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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