you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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