it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
