Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
