Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Hippo gnu deer
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
