Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
