I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I won't apologize to a one balled man
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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