Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
