they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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