theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
