If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
