I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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