everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
