im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
