I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
