i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Found the puke drawer
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
