Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Welp...herpes.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
