I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
