Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize