i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
