i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize