I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
