i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
