yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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