i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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